July 15, 2001

Crown Trophy
38 Bridge Street
Great Barrington, MA 01230

Dear Crown Trophy Company,

After months of admiring her from afar, I have finally gotten the guts to ask Marisa out. She has a radiant smile and buttocks that look like two perfectly round hard-boiled eggs pressed together. To my amazement, she has accepted my offer for dinner.

This is my ONE CHANCE to make a good impression on her. My plan is a romantic dinner followed by a tour of my apartment. For this occasion I have recently bought a trophy case and my plan is to show Marisa my vast achievements in the hopes that this will cause her to disrobe fully. The problem is that I currently have no merits of my own. None. This is where YOU come in. Can you please make for me the following trophies:

• Congressional Medal of Honor
• Nobel Peace Prize
• Academy Award
• Head of the Charles Single Man Boat Champion 1998
• Freestyle PanFry International - Grade A Champion, Omelet Division
• Newport Cuddle-thon - 1st Place (plaque)
• Portuguese Explorers Triathlon - 3rd Place
• Purple Heart of Valor (flanked by Pink Heart, Yellow Moon, Orange Star, Green Clover, Blue Diamond, and Purple Horseshoe)

Please write to me as soon as you can with an estimate on how much this collection would cost and how fast you'd be able to put it together if I give you the green light. The date is approaching shortly and it will be bad if she notices a large empty trophy case in my apartment. How will I explain that?

Thank you Crown Trophy Company for getting back to me on this. I have heard great things about you from friends and I hope to hear back from you very soon.

Regards,

Rudy Schumann