February 16, 1999

National Watermelon Promotion Board
P.O. Box 140065
Orlando, FL 32814-0065

Dear Watermelon People,

I don't just like watermelons, I LOVE them. In my mind the watermelon is the perfect food. 92% water. Fat free. Cholesterol free. Low in Sodium. A good source of vitamin A and C. What is there NOT to like about the watermelon? It's "America's favorite fruit"! Of course I don't need to tell YOU that the watermelon is not actually a fruit but a vegetable. (Citrullus Lantus of the Cucurbitacae family; cousin to the cucumber, kin to the gourd.)

I think Mark Twain said it best when he said of the watermelon, "When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat." Hear, hear! (then again Mark Twain never ate a Ho-Ho) But anyway, it is so nice to know that there are others out there who share my passion for watermelons. It's organizations like yours that make me feel like I'm not alone in the world and I just wanted to say thank you.

Watermelon zeal aside, I am writing to you today on a serious matter. My sources have informed me that the comedian Gallagher is planning a comeback. I'm sure you remember this son of satan whose "comedy act" consisted largely of smashing watermelons with an over-sized wooden mallet. We all went through a rough time back in the late 80's when his popularity was at its peak. Well my friends...... he's back. And I for one can NOT sit by idly while this animal destroys our majestic watermelons for a few laughs! GALLAGHER MUST BE STOPPED!!

Is the National Watermelon Promotion Board as outraged about this as I am? Do you have an official stand on this? What is our next move? I am ready to spring into action at a moment's notice. VIVA LA REVOLUCION! VIVA LA INDEPENDENCIA! I am lactose intolerant.

In another issue, last week I spit a watermelon seed 69' 2". I believe this beats Jack Dietz' watermelon seed-spitting world record of 66' 11". I have a video tape of the spit and can send it to you once I get a copy made. Is there a Watermelon Hall of Fame? Will this feat get me in? Please send me all the necessary forms.

Thank you for all of your hard work and for getting back to me, it is appreciated. I've enclosed $1 to help the cause. I look forward to and greatly appreciate your swift reply. I need to know what your thoughts are on this. Please do not send me watermelon literature! I have so much already I don't know what to do with it all.

Regards,

Rudy Schumann