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February 26, 1999
I want you to relax. I'm serious... lean back in your chair, kick off your shoes and grab that scotch and soda. (c'mon, I know it's there) Why should you do all this? 1) This is not an election year and 2) this is not another letter from some ungrateful citizen complaining about the Big Dig. So it's causing a little bit of extra traffic. Big deal! Why do you think they put mirrors and radios in cars? I am writing to you today to propose a business venture that I think you will be most impressed with. It seems like every state has another state they make fun of. New York makes fun of New Jersey. Virginia makes fun of West Virginia. Ohio makes fun of Kentucky. Alabama makes fun of Mississippi. California makes fun of Oregon. I could go on and on. Heck, even the Dakotas have been known to squabble. It saddens my heart to see such discord among the states because we're all on the same team. The best damn team in the free world... The United States of America! Do you notice how Pennsylvania and Massachusetts never make fun of each other? It's true. There seems to be a certain understanding between these two states. To highlight this and to act as an example for other states, I am proposing a very cutting-edge inter-state business venture. Are you ready for this? I propose to open a store that only sells products that come from, are produced by, and represent the states of Massachusetts and Pennsylvania. It will be the first ever true "MA and PA Store" in history. Get it?? I'm not sure what Pennsylvania has to offer, but I'm sure they'll come up with some stuff to fill their half of the store with. I'm figuring mostly Philly CheeseSteaks and Rocky paraphernalia. Maybe Keystone beer, since they're the Keystone State? Knowing them I bet all customers will have to walk 10 mph slower on the Pennsylvania side than on the Massachusetts side or pay some ridiculous fine. "PA"-thetic! (Get it?) Anyway, don't worry about all that. I'll work out those details. I'm writing to you today to get your blessing on this project and to ask for your endorsement. I would like you to attend the grand opening of the store where you will be asked to participate in a ribbon cutting ceremony and in various competitions of strength against Governor Ridge of Pennsylvania. How much do you weigh? I've seen your picture and you look very wiry. This is good! Can you send me an autographed picture of yourself in wrestling gear? We can trade, I'll send you one of me eating a papaya. Just tell me how you want me to sign it and consider it done. Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. I'm glad I live in a state where I feel like someone is watching out for my best interests and is willing to listen to and respond to my ideas. I eagerly await your reply. Again, thank you. Striving for interstate harmony,
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