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March 1, 1999
I have allergies that occasionally prevent me from sleeping at night. I toss. I turn. I re-fluff my pillow. I remove my boxers. I pet my clock. I assure you, it is not fun. A few weeks ago I got up in the middle of the night in search of some relief from my allergies. I stumbled around my bathroom in the dark and grabbed what I thought was a bottle of my nasal spray and pumped two full sprays of it into each nostril and went back to bed, in spite of the stinging I felt. I woke up the next morning feeling rather refreshed and I began to prepare two slices of raisin bread toast. I began spreading some "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" on the slices when I came to some realizations. 1) I actually DO believe it's butter. and 2) I couldn't smell my toast! I thought this was odd but didn't think much of it until I later walked into the bathroom. That is when I saw the bottle of Febreze (your "innovative new household product that actually eliminates smells") on the counter. My curious calm turned to panic as I began smelling everything I could get my nose into. Oranges, wood paneling, books, dirty laundry, my girlfriend's buttocks. The result in every case: NOTHING. Your product, which I mistakenly sprayed into my nose, has eliminated my sense of smell! I can't smell anything now! I can't smell trouble. I can't smell a rat. I can't smell success (although I hear it is sweet.) I can't smell something fishy. I can't smell something funny. I can't smell fear (even dogs and bees smell fear.) Scratch and Sniff? Oh please don't tease me! I heard "It Smells Like Teen Spirit" on the radio today and I broke down sobbing.... because I cannot smell it. In addition, I fear being kicked out of my MassNASAL group if anyone should find out. I can't hide this for much longer. I am writing to you today in the hopes that you can help me. Do your people know of any sort of antidote for your product Febreze? Because it has eliminated my smells and I would really like them back! PLEASE write me back as soon as you can and let me know if you have any ideas on how to help me or if you think my situation is hopelessly irreversible. I eagerly wait to hear from you. Thank you. 4 senses still intact, I remain....
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