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June 14, 1999
I am an old man. I've lived a very good but also a very hard life. Heck I'll just say it, life has pretty much beaten me down without remorse. I am generally a mild-mannered person however every once in a while I see something that really gets my dander up. I take pen to paper today to write to you about a product of yours that I have a very serious problem with. Due to my old age and finances I have recently moved in with my son (moron) and his wife (she-devil). It is a living hell. The other day my grandson (moron jr.) was eating an odd looking kind of cereal and when I asked him what it was he said, "Beriberi Kix". I couldn't believe what I was hearing so I asked him again, turned up my hearing aid and yes, the answer was the same, "Beriberi Kix". Sir! I greatly object to this name! It was August 1941 and we had been trapped in our foxholes for 3 weeks straight. As a decorated Lanced Corporal (3 boils) my men's lives were in my hands. We were outnumbered and outmanned yet in a bold daytime move we advanced and took the hill in what would later be known as the Battle at Bai-Thong. We lost more than half our platoon but we won the war. It was within the days immediately following this victory that I contracted beriberi. If you are unfamiliar with beriberi I can tell you it is NOT pleasant. Beriberi is a disease of the peripheral nervous system characterized by partial paralysis of the extremities, emaciation, and anemia. I took that definition out of the dictionary because I don't think you'd be able to stomach my personal account of suffering from this disease. Anyway, so here I am back at my kitchen table with a cereal named after this horrible, horrible disease. Maybe your marketing people thought this name was "cool" but I find it terribly inappropriate!! What's next from your company? Scurvy Soup? Rickets Rice? For the sake of Jesus Christ the lord our savior have some respect for those who put their lives in danger to protect this country of ours! I've told my friends down at the VFW about this and they too are upset. We met about it and have decided to boycott your products until we hear word from you on this matter. We hope you can offer a valid explanation for this product's name. When my grandson told me the cereal was made by General Mills I decided to write to you. I'm not sure if you ever saw any action in the war but I thought that maybe a letter from one military man to another would hold some weight. I look forward to hearing from you. I eagerly await your reply. Respectfully,
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