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Aries
(March 20 - April 20)

Avoid negativity. The negativity of others may have a limiting effect on your personality and aura today. To avoid this, you'll need to make a real effort to ignore and resist any negative comments directed at you. Got that you stupid fucking moron?

Taurus
(April 20 - May 21)

Today you'll tend to have more definite opinions about things, and make quicker decisions than normal. In other words you can expect to talk the same smack as usual, but today you'll think fast enough to run away before you get your ass kicked.

Gemini
(May 22 - June 21)

If you're running into opposition, don't give up. It may not be a glass ceiling exactly; it may feel more like concrete. Instead of getting angry, get smart. Ask an older person to help. When they don't understand, yell at them. You'll feel great!

Cancer
(June 21 - July 23)

The verdict is in. Your Sun is in Leo and your Moon is in Taurus. To get the most out of today, focus your energy on the things that normally. .... look I saw you kissing another guy, ok? Yeah I saw you, you bitch. Fuck you, it's over.

Leo
(July 23 - Aug 23)

You and your friends can accomplish great things. Pool your resources, talents and imaginations. You'll inspire each other to try things you never would have dared on your own. This could get fun. Just remember, anal fissures take a long time to heal.

Virgo
(Aug 23 - Sept 23)

Your private life may be OK, except for one little thing. You and your sweetheart, or one of your kids, doesn't love you any more. Don't fret; you can work out a compromise. Enact a 'no tongue' rule. And watch out; the stars say your new secretary knows all about your taste for rubber lingerie.

Libra
(Sept 23 - Oct 23)

Pay more attention. Today there's a bigger chance that you will feel like others are ignoring you. That's because today your personality is slightly more boring than usual. Unfortunately, just being aware of the potential problem isn't enough to help avoid it. Make a point of getting drunk at lunch today.

Scorpio
(Oct 23 - Nov 22)

Your partner gets extremely jealous of your accomplishments. You haven't really noticed though because you never accomplish anything. This month, pay close attention to other people's cultural traditions, and see if you can find a way to steal money from them.

Sagitarius
(Nov 22 - Dec 22)

Nobody's giving you any support, respect or peace and quiet. This is not the worst thing that ever happened, however, so don't worry. You'll probably emerge a stronger individual because of this. Or you might break down and cry under your bed naked in a fetal position. Might as well look at it like that.

Capricorn
(Dec 22 - Jan 20)

Do not move to France this month, or ever. Actually, you should not travel today if at all possible. You're not in danger out there, necessarily, but people might try and talk to you. And who needs that? Today is also a bad day to try eating new foods or listening to new music.

Aquarius
(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

The first television remote control came on the market in 1956. How do you like that? A tiny little plastic box is older than you - and smarter, and better-looking. Worst of all, the TV remote works. Don't you wish you did?

Pisces
(Feb 18 - March 20)

The stars say you can make a killing in real estate, the stock market, or robbing convenience stores. The problem is that the stars also say you have to act right NOW - like right this minute, as I sit here writing this. And since you won't read this until tomorrow. I guess it's too late. Bummer.