Dear Atchue Opticians,

God Bless You.

Regards,

Rudy Schumann

There are two things that dominate my mind whenever I interact with Comast Chat Support.

#1: You must effing hate me. I am contacting you to complain about an entertainment service like it’s an important centerpiece of my life. “Yet another fat American who does nothing but consume luxuries. Do you know how far the cost of that “digital package” would go for my family? Drop HBO you fat asstard and give someone else a better life.”

#2: I am not really the competitive type, but I am not going to let you out polite me.  When I’m done with you, you are going to feel like I serviced you!

Below are a few snippets from a recent chat where I started to wade into the waters of #2…. potentially more to come.

Andy: Hi. I’d like to inquire about any promotions being run right now that I could take advantage of. The cost of Comcast is getting too high for me to continue with, but I’d very much like to keep the service
Maria: Sure thing! Let me help you with that. An awesome day to you!
Andy: Thank you so much, Maria.
Maria: And Happy Thanksgiving, Andrew.
Andy: Thank you!
Maria: Andrew, it’s great that you’re interested to know our promotional rates. I sure do understand that by availing any offers we have, it would help lessen your monthly bill.
Maria: Let me get into your account and see what we have available. I’m here for whatever questions or concerns you have. I’ll do everything I can to help you.
Andy: Brilliant. Thank you very much for your assistance, it is greatly appreciated.

[Yadda, yadda, yadda... we can't make it cheaper, but hey, here's something that'll make your monthly bill even higher!]

Andy: Thank you, Maria. While I recognize that the Digital Preferred package is at a significant discount, unfortunately it raises my monthly cost and I am trying to lower it.
Maria: You’re welcome, Andrew. And I totally understand your point. I am sorry I offered that as alternative option since we do not have any existing offers for digital starter.
Andy: I fully understand. I appreciate your patience with me and your willingness to help. You are very good at your job, in my opinion. This has been a very positive experience.
Maria: You made me happy on your last remarks, Andrew. Thank you very much for that compliments.
Andy: I only have one last question before I let you move on and provide another Comcast customer your excellent brand of customer service. Where are you located?
Maria: Oh, great question, Andrew! I am situated in the Philippines. This is one of Comcast’s global center.
Andy: That is a wonderful country! I hope one day I willbe lucky enough to be able to visit its people and culture. Thank you again for your help today.
Maria: You should visit my country one day, Andrew. I am sure you will love it here.
Maria: Do you have other concerns for me today? I will be glad to assist you further.
Andy: Maria, you have serviced me to the fullest extent, I cannot fathom having having any other questions for you to attend to at this time. I am filled to the brim with customer satisfaction.
Maria: Thank you, Sir.
Andy: Thank you again, and have an awesome day!
Maria: Thank you for choosing Comcast as your cable TV provider and have a great day! Comcast appreciates your business and values you as a customer. Our goal is to provide you with excellent service.
Andy: Do you give massages and how small are you hands, in general terms?
Maria: [Chat terminated by customer representative]

Dear Mr. Dose,

On behalf of the Hotel team I am excited to welcome you to your soon-to-be home away from home. We are excited to have you stay with us and look forward to making your stay a memorable one.

We want you to feel completely at home with us; if you have a picture of something important to you, we invite you to email us a copy and we’ll have it waiting for you in your room upon arrival. Simply respond to this email and include the image as a JPEG attachment and we’ll take care of the rest!
________

What a nice touch!  This is what makes me love boutique hotels.  But this seemingly frivolous request was fraught with seriousness.  What things are most important to me?  Where has my life taken me so far?  I secluded myself for an entire day and did some serious soul searching.  I looked deep inside.  It was once said that “the sum total of the habits of a man is his nature.” With that in mind, i narrowed things down to the following four images.

Clockwise from left: Competitive Eater, Eric “Badlands” Booker.  A sausage, egg, & cheese on a toasted english muffin. A callipygian fitness model. A cable TV remote control.

I don’t know if I can narrow it down from here.  I just don’t know if the layers of the Andy Onion can be peeled back any further than they already have.  I think I’ll just send them all four images and let them decide for me….

In a show of support for his cast-mate, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has stated that for the Snook’s release date the “L” in GTL will stand for Literacy.  “Just for that one day though, bro,” he clarified.

I may be the Mayor of Simpleton, but I know one thing, and that’s I love you.

I felt a bit guilty ringing it up at the register.  Here I was in a church (wrong #1) with a full Sunday Mass in Spanish going on in the background (wrong #2) and I was buying a religious object not out of faith but out of the comedy I knew I would bring me (wrongs #3 – #10).

I was busted at work scanning it in late one night, which was an interesting exchange.  “Working late?  What’re ya up to?”  “Oh, not really working, just scanning in this here picture of Jesus.”

What struck me about this image was just how incredibly forlorn this couple looked.  I mean they really look bummed out.  And I can only assume this is due to something JC has just said to them…..

“Yes, anal sex does count as pre-marital sex.  I’m sorry, but you’re both going to hell.”

“I know it’s small Bob, but I gave you so many other talents.  I mean how many other people do you know that can parallel park like that? Really, try to name someone.”

“Susan, Bob is gay.  He just doesn’t know it yet.  But hey, you guys got some awesome wedding gifts, huh?  That panini press thing?  Awesome, right?”

I am going to hell, this I know.

I’m still working out some of the kinks. For example I don’t know why the commenting area is so big; not sure it’s supposed to be that way. And I’m not convinced the “login via twitter” option is working correctly; it seems to need you to login in twice to recognize you.

Anywho, there it is. Let me know what you think. And I could use some help testing things out, if you’re so inclined.

Wearing black doesn’t do you much good when the lights are on. Like a perverted Kato, Andy definitely had his….

See more titles in the Book Nook.

]]> http://www.thedose.com/doseblog/archives/2010/01/book-nook-2010-releases.html/feed 0 http://www.thedose.com/doseblog/archives/2010/01/more-google-calendars-of-the-stars.html http://www.thedose.com/doseblog/archives/2010/01/more-google-calendars-of-the-stars.html#comments Sat, 02 Jan 2010 23:37:43 +0000 Andy http://www.thedose.com/doseblog/?p=415

That’s why this brand new addition to the Book Nook is so fitting (and ironical).