The Dose

“I had a dream that I beat Don Johnson up. I was Tom Magnum in the dream. I beat him up real good, too. All punching his head and stuff. Then he looks up at me and pleads not to hit him again, so I kind of get up and walk away. Then there’s a razor at my throat and he cuts my moustache off! Like Samson, I am drained of my power and that bastard Johnson takes off with the rest of my moustache. I don’t know what it means.”

That is from August 2004. And I’m not sure yet if this blog is real or not… but if it is… I love Tom Selleck.

• Even though I’m in my full right to do it, I feel guilty putting my seat all the way back on an airplane. I feel bad for the person behind me.

• I have a frequent concern of overstaying my welcome, especially if it’s someone I don’t know well enough to trust that they’ll just tell me it’s time to go if they have to.

• The reason I haven’t written about my experience with the personal shopper is because I fear people will see how much I paid for it and judge me, or make some wrong assumptions.

• I find the “calf massage” part of a pedicure sort of creepy. Young asian lady at my feet, methodically stroking my leg over and over again, her eyes staring past me, glazed over. Just. Creepy.

• My Corporate Amex card has an expiration date of 9/11. And I can’t take it anymore. I’m calling them to change the date to anything but that.

• I troll Craigslist and eBay for gift certificates.

• I feel really awkward saying “sorry,no” to a homeless person asking for money, and then going into a store and buying something, especially if it’s food. I’ve altered my destination a few times because of this.

• I’m not sure I really like coffee. I think I might just like the ritual of it all. “Look at me, I’m a big boy now. I’m going to give you the money that I made at my big boy job, and then I’m going to walk with this beverage in a cup to my office. I have things to do!”

I can’t make myself burp. I’ve never been able to do that. Over and over again people have tried to teach me this skill — for some reason they feel very strongly about needing me to learn.  To make me a man. (Good luck!)  “You just need to swallow some air!” I just can’t do it. I don’t get it. Sorry.

Which is why the following phenomenon is so interesting. And before I continue, I want to be clear that this is not some really corny joke or horribly bad pun. Every time I drive on I-90 to Western Massachusetts, and I pass by the exit sign for Belchertown, MA… I burp. When this happened the first time I just laughed and thought it was a comical coincidence. But this has now happened 6 times in a row. Every time. I look up. I see the sign. I burp. Is something psychosomatic going on or something?! I have no idea. Theories currently being accepted.