• When my car is parked in my neighborhood and I need to go out and get something from it, I wait for there to be no cars driving past before I do it because I don’t want anyone to stop, thinking that I’m freeing up a spot for them only to find out that I’m really not. Sometimes the street is busy and I have to pace or pretend I’m engaged in something really interesting on my cell phone until the coast is clear.

• When I reach into the self-service bin to get my free local papers, I can’t take the very top issue. I need to grab one from somewhere lower in the stack. Something about the top issue seems contaminated to me.

• If a place attempts to limit or restrict my napkin intake (they hand me napkins with my order but don’t have any dispensers), I don’t like it. I vow in a declaration of injustice that I will never give them my business again because I’m a grown man and if I want more napkins I should have access to more napkins. I say this to myself mind you. And I never follow through with the boycott.

• I hide a lot of emotions from people because I don’t want to be “that guy”. But the emotions are still there and the effects of not letting them out is probably worse. I should just be “that guy” and let the chips fall where they may.

• I don’t want to be the first customer when a place opens for the day because I feel like I’m burdening the staff. They’ve just unlocked the doors and started their work day, I’d rather give them some time to adjust and get in their groove. I know I don’t like getting calls at 9:01am at my desk.

• When I’m in Western Massachusetts where the “stop for pedestrians in crosswalk” law is actually obeyed 100% of the time, I mill around and wait for others to cross first so I can just tailgate on them and not be the one to initiate the traffic stoppage.

• Sometimes the fraud department of my credit card company calls me because they think some suspicious activity may have happened on my card. I avoid their calls because I can’t face the situation of having to tell them that the online porn purchase was indeed my own and not a sign of credit card fraud.

• Beware, these phrases are all meant to dupe you: Dry Heat. Reverse Commute. Quaint Studio.

• Whenever I’m in CVS and pass by the fans or heaters made by Holmes, I say “What’s up, Holmes?!” in an accent like I’m a latin gangster.