“When I say hungry, you say focused. Hungry.” Focused! “Hungry.” Focused! I never imagined my first bona fide rap call & answer experience would be here, at an International Federation of Competitive Eating event. Eric “Badlands” Booker is entertaining the crowd with a sampling of his rap stylings before the start of the Verizon Voicewing Chicken Wing Battle Championship in Boston. His rap CD (”Hungry & Focused”) is coming out soon and he throws a CD sampler into the crowd which lands right into my hands. Everyone looks at me and I can only assume that this catch must have some sort of significance here. Am I destined to marry a fat chick? Will I die of a coronary within the next 7 days? The not knowing kills me.

The main lights dim as the beat of Eminem’s “8 Mile” starts its slow crescendo. IFOCE President Richard Shea takes the stage and bellows the following declaration: “They say that competitive eating is the battleground upon which God and Lucifer waged war for men’s souls, ladies and gentlemen. And they are right!!”

With that the competitors are introduced to the stage one by one as Mr. Shea recites their impressive credentials. Many of them are world record holders in more than one of the 61 IFOCE-sanctioned categories, from Armour Vienna Sausage to Watermelon.

This is the Championship, all of the competitors having qualified previously at regional buffalo wing events to be here. It is a veritable Who’s Who of competitive eating. But who are these people?

Besides being one of the more exuberant IFOCE personalities Badlands Booker lives with his wife and son on Long Island and is a conductor for New York City’s #7 Train. His frequent competitor Ed “Cookie” Jarvis, the 29 year old 409-pounder who ate 21 cannolis in 6 minutes to take that particular title, is a realtor from Nesconset, NY.

There’s “Humble” Bob Shoudt, the quiet Philadelphian who is reportedly a vegetarian when not in competition. And Tim “Eater X” Janus, the 27 year old NYC native who paints a colorful Mexican lucha libre mask on his face for each event.

Joey Chestnut from San Jose is the up and coming young buck on the circuit who drinks large quantities of water to train his stomach to expand quickly at game time. At age 21 he is already ranked #3 by the IFOCE. Jason “Crazy Legs” Conti was a one time spectator and is now a star of competitive eating, recently being featured in his own documentary entitled “Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating”.

Richard “The Locust” LeFevre looks like he could be your grandpa. At age 60 this Nevada resident holds multiple titles and is still going strong. And to make things even sweeter his wife Carlene is also a competitive eater. My grandparents went to Boston and all they got me was this crummy 8 pounds of chicken bones!

And Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas, all 98 pounds of her, seems out of place wedged between these behemoths. But don’t be fooled — despite her deceivingly harmless appearance Sonya is an incredibly fierce and feared competitor, currently ranked second in the world.

“Are you here to root on anyone in particular?” asks the young woman next to me. I tell her I’m trying to lose some weight and thought that seeing this would help suppress my appetite for at least the rest of the weekend. I pose the question back to her which she answers by pulling down on the front of her t-shirt to reveal a silk-screened face of Jason “The Erbivore” Erb, her boyfriend. He won the qualifier in Washington and they flew out for the finals. I look on stage and spot The Erbivor wearing a white head-band with his moniker across it in black marker, just in case you didn’t know who he was.

As can be expected there are many subtleties to the science of eating as many buffalo wings as you can in 10 minutes. I watch as Badlands arranges the wings in his tray for maximum grabbage. Humble Bob brings his own iced-tea which he pre-pours into several cups. Eater X positions his trays just so. Someone asks for a chair.

Just as Mr. Shea is about to begin the count-down-to-chow Cookie Jarvis leans over and whispers something in his ear and we are informed that Cookie would like to take a moment to say grace before the eating commences. It takes every fiber of restraint I have to not blurt out, “On a wing and a prayer, Cookie!” Although Cookie keeps his thoughts to himself I can only assume he is praying for the end of the avian flu. Interestingly enough Cookie will stay kneeling for the entire event.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, EAT! The crowd cheers as what ensues is an orgy of saliva, sweat and sauce. It’s impossible to determine who is excelling and who is lagging behind and before you know it we’re in the closing minutes. To be honest it’s not even that gross to watch, just a bunch of people eating really fast and not using napkins. That is until the buzzer sounds and several eaters bring fingers to their overstuffed mouths and push inward to make sure nothing falls out and you realize just how much food is in still their mouths yet to go down their gullets. It’s actually this image that puts me in the epiglottic danger zone. Cruel memories of thick orthodontic mold filling my adolescent mouth flash before me. The panic of oral claustrophobia. My breathing gets noticeably heavier.

I swallow intensely. Interestingly I am told that the V word is verboten here. My only guess is that the contagious nature of the act is simply too feared to be spoken aloud. Any unfortunate incident, of which I see none, will be called a variety of euphemisms such as “The Roman Method” or “A Reversal of Fortune”.

In the world of competitive eating buffalo wings are considered a “debris food”, meaning there are parts of the food that are not consumed. In a debris food competition determining the winner is slightly more complicated and involves weighing all of the food before-hand and then re-weighing all of the competitors’ “remains” afterwards to determine who has consumed the most. Someone who has gone through a large number of wings may not win over someone who has eaten fewer wings but picked them bones cleaner.

After the winners are crowned (the title goes to Joey Chestnut who debones and ingests 4.2 lbs pounds of chicken meat in 10 minutes) free wings are offered to the crowd. I politely pass. To my surprise watching all of this eating has made me incredibly tired. I think I need a wet nap.

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