Smart-Alec Females 
Posted by Andy on June 10th, 2007 @ 11:19 pm
About a year ago I started collecting a small pamphlet called “This Week in Boston”. They’re small booklets published in the 1940’s full of news tidbits and things to do around the city. It’s like seeing a snapshot in time and it’s fun to look at the vintage ads and read about establishments that once were or that are still standing today.
On page forty two of each issue are the personals ads which I defy you to not enjoy. The ads are very sincere yet unintentionally hilarious. If you weren’t seeing them with your own eyes you might think they were fake. They’re surprisingly brief and written in such a formal style.
“Personable young lady would like to correspond with ‘older’ man, interested in discussing the problems of present-day society.”
“Poet — poor, romantic, good company, owns dress suit. Would escort ladies for small fee.”
“Away from home town and secretary — businessman needs companionship of businesswoman, secretary or teacher for theatre, sports, trips, races. Age 30-40.”
This stuff is priceless.
One day an idea hit me. What if I took these ads and posted them verbatim on Craigslist today. Same city. Same words. Would they still garner a response a full 60 years later? What would that say? As society and technology hurtle us forward through the years, are people still yearning for the same things in their lives?
I typed up the ads and I broke them down into present-day Craigslist categories. W4M. M4W. Services. Resumes. And on a rainy Saturday afternoon I posted the ads. I felt a bit of guilt over what I was doing. I mean, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to get any one’s hopes up and since I already knew I wouldn’t be responding to any of them would I be doing just that? Would my lack of response do damage to someone?
I stepped away from my computer. Maybe I’d go get some Indian food. Like a backyard chef I was ready to leave my ads in the Craigslist grill, close the lid, and let them marinate for a few hours before I proudly checked in on them again later. As I turned the handle to leave I heard it. bee-boop! An email response had already come in. And as I tried (bee-boop) to read the email (bee-boop) I found myself distracted (bee-boop) by all of the other emails (bee-boop) coming in. bee-boop. bee-boop! bee-boop!! bee-boop!!! I was wholly unprepared for the deluge. Good Ganesh. Indian food would have to wait. Over the next twenty four hours the response count would continue to climb steadily, exceeding the 100 mark. And I would scramble to keep up with it all…..
First up, the ladies:
Phytophilous Female of perspicuity would epistolate with young male of same inclination.
This ad is an enormous hit and several people admit having run to their dictionary in order to respond properly. Just hearing that triggers the pangs of guilt (people *did* something because of my ad) but I push the guilt down. Luckily this guilt evaporates completely when I open an email from “e” which simply says “25 M, blessed” and before I know it I’m staring at an enormous shot of his cock. Yup. My first dick pic!! And he’s at his full “blessed” attention too. A vegetarian woman wants to write letters to another vegetarian and this guy thinks, “Hey, I got it. I’ll send her a photo of my penis!” It’s like sending a picture of a cow to someone who’s lactose-intolerant. Aside for this lovely visual the responses vary. Some are clever, “Weed-B-Gon will eradicate pre-emergent, obfusticating arguments.” Some are predictable, “how would you like a massage with oil from my aloe vera plant?” And some are hard to explain. James tells me nice try but that I should check my syntax, signing off with “I’m not what you are looking for.” I guess after crushing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle and looking for more conquests James likes to point out mistakes in personal ads that he’s not interested in. I’m tempted to send James back a shot of my junk, but I resist.
Young Woman, just out of college, is spending summer at mountain retreat with elderly (and rich) relatives. Bored to extinction. Will somebody write me a nice sparkling letter. I’ll answer promptly.
This ad gave me instant mental images of Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray. I kept waiting for a response of “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” but it never comes. This innocent request for letters is answered by men who want to meet the young woman in the secluded woods in whatever idyllic town this mountain retreat resides in, and ravage her repeatedly. Or they want the letters to be about her sexual fantasies. One responder cites his “massage skills” and another in all caps just says CALL ME followed by a local number. A response of “HOW DO YOU LOOK LIKE?” and many others like it start to confirm my hunch that for many of the respondees, English may not be their first language….. and half of the internet seems to be suffering from a broken caps lock button.
Tall, green-eyed miss, lover of indoor sports would like correspondence with young men of like tastes. (Age 28-35)
I didn’t think anything of it when I read it originally, but the “indoor sports” reference has the men in a frenzy. This is obviously a green light for much raunchier emails and references to flexibility and endurance are found in 90% of the responses. This ad also garners lots of photos. Some faces. Some body parts. Scott confidently lets me know about his “34 inch waist - killa eyes & butt im told.” Stephen about his “strong hands.”
Vulture for Culture — Wish to meet young man with sense of rhythm who likes Slavonic dances.
Ha! The responses include a link to a guy’s MySpace page, a response of just “Love to Dance! I am Game!” and last but not least a little history lesson, “Hi, you’re looking for slavic dances. Slavonic is 300 yr old russian used by some eastern rite catholic churches.” Why thank you, Professor.
Young, active, attractive private secretary would engage in exchange of letters with a nice young man on outdoor sports– not fishing.
The “not fishing” requirement is what made me love this ad so much, but that point goes relatively unnoticed. Alessio sends me a pic of his face and his abs with an email that just says “DINNER??? IF INTERESTED LET ME KNOW!” Another email simply says “real secretary?”
Time for the men:
Write A Letter to a lonesome guy on a farm far from the bright lights. Smart-Alec females save your postage. I am a nature boy, aged 27.
Gentleman — 6 footer with quizzical smile and twinkle in eyes would like to meet attractive woman 35 or 40 (no junior miss or college student) to discuss frailties of life and do something about it.
Male Ph.D. seeks interesting and stimulating correspondence from Ph.D. of opposite sex.
Gentleman Explorer, leaving on private expedition to the South Seas would like to correspond while en route with lively miss. Will send snapshots of interesting places and people.
Smart-Alec females. *snarf* I eagerly await the replies but the response rate is disappointingly low. Still, every ad gets at least one response. The responses are intelligently written and polite. “What are you doing there on the farm far from the bright lights?:-)” “what woman wouldn’t want to see the south seas?” “What do you like to chat about?” “What a great post! Short, sweet and to the point. How old are you?” It’s a lopsided wave of civility and lower-casing that is more than welcome.
I’M LONESOME.
This one was a special case since there was no clue as to what gender wrote it, and I made a point to post it that way as well. When I read this ad in the pamphlet I knew I would post it. Of all of the ads this one spoke most to the core of what I was trying to reveal. I wanted to know if this sentiment was something that would persevere through the years. Would it resonate. The fact that there was no elaboration in the ad made it that much more poignant. Well, it got two responses, both from men. Art, in an act of selflessness wrote, “are you a female? if so i would love to cheer you up if you are a guy i have no intrest in you thankks” And Joe wrote back something that shocked me. His email simply said “get a puppy.” Wow.
It’s not just about romance….
If You Bulge in all the wrong places let me fit you to my slimmerizing sheath– it is breath-taking.
Even this ad gets a response! A plus-sized model on the North Shore of Boston would like more information.
Jealousy Promotion Co. — New service! Will telephone anyone anywhere– sweet male and female voices used. Possibilities of creating imaginary competition unsurpassed. Brings hesitant lovers to heel. Individual attention by trained psychologists. Brochure on request. Confidential.
I love this ad! And for reasons I can’t explain it gets flagged and removed by the community. But not before a request comes in for a brochure.
College Grad. Harvard. Matrimonially inclined. Has the girl but not the job. Wants Boston position. Advertising and sales promotion experience. Latest effort– moved record quantities of nationally-advertised product. Lusty, loyal, ambitious, imaginative, indefatigable, magnetic but unobtrusive and modest personality. Interview may prove profitable to us both.
Would you ever use the word lusty to describe yourself on a resume? Well, you might be surprised to learn that this ad had five responses. Four seemed like robot responses from recruiters, but one seemed legit, “Do you have a contact #?” Sad that that is what constitutes a real response at this point.
My goal was not to give a commentary on the denizens of Craigslist and their email habits, grammar, or potential demographics. I just wanted to see if people were still reaching out for the same things today as they were in the past. What they buy may be different. What they drive. How they dress. Their jobs. But what about their hearts?
I don’t know if I succeeded in proving anything. But as crazy as these ads were I couldn’t help but re-read them all one last time and think….. I like indoor sports. I don’t like fishing. I’ve fantasized about sailing the South Seas. I’m lusty. I’ve wished for imaginary competition. I write sparkling letters. I fight a few bulges. I’m lonesome.
Maybe I should get a puppy.
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